Moving to the beat of your body
I have tendencies of a perfectionist and a natural inclination with people to please them. Over the years, I have come to realize that these two approaches in life conflict, maybe not all of the time, but the impact does not compensate for the damage caused in the long run.
My habits have been shaped by perceived expectations of those I have been around the most. I have always felt the need to be the peacemaker… I am sure this is a result of growing up as the middle-person in most of my close relationships. I consider diplomacy to be a skill worth exercising, but truly, it's a survival tactic formed in younger years. I have the ability to hear out “both sides,” but there was a time where I didn't have the choice to listen or what I listened to. What is it like receiving conflicting statements, thoughts, feelings, opinions from different trusted relationships and experiencing confusion on a daily basis? Imagine caring about what everyone thinks and trying to match EVERYONE’S ever-changing expectations. It’s impossible! My body & mind feel differently… Projects, chores, and daily basic routines get delayed because “not everything is ready to get started on.” I have high expectations of myself that cause a major pause in the positive progress I feel I can make, so what do I do? I never start it. Or, I tiptoe into it to only feel discouraged and backed into a corner. I have a hard time remembering that success does not happen overnight. I struggle to implement this thought process into everything I attempt to do. This “perfectionism” does nothing but shame me when I try to jump into things and have fun with it. Perfection doesn’t allow space for mistakes and further growth. Perfection sucks the air out of the room and regurgitates gas only suffocating potential creativity.
Perfectionism and people-pleasing had me moving to the beat of everyone else’s “drum” except for my own. In fact, my beats have faded into the distance and I didn’t realize this until I was alone for long periods of time. The chaos of 2020 brought me into a weird mind space; one where I could not figure out what was best for me or how to best self-soothe during tough times. It was easy to distract myself with work, interactions, and exercise until almost none of that was no longer available as a result of the pandemic. I realized I didn’t know me. I was very critical of myself, but by what standards? Likely the standards of others that only matched other situations that were not my own… These standards didn’t make sense and there was only more harm done the more I tried to force myself into this box that has been shaped & limited by everyone else. I was following choreography I have never seen before and criticizing myself with the standards of an experienced professional dancer.
Look and listen… I actually came to this greater understanding of myself during my trial period where I tried out Zumba. Hear me out - I grew up in the early 2000’s watching dance movies like Honey, Step Up, Save the Last Dance, Bring it On, etc. and I wanted to be an incredible dancer like these beautiful people on the TV. I would try to perfect my dancing skills by matching choreography in the movies, but I felt like I would never dance and look like them. I was very critical of myself mostly because I never wanted to embarrass myself in front of other people. Shame stopped me in my progressive tracks again. I never felt like I could throw all of myself into a dance because I thought the less I looked like I was trying, it would be less likely that I would be judged by others. Shame limited me. I have withheld myself from engaging in the fullness of movements. I made this connection when I was trying so hard to mirror the Zumba instructor. I want to be right on point with them right from the start. I am aware I have no idea what steps are next, but I became frustrated when I would inevitably trip over my own two feet. Eventually, I just had to let go of any ego-driven expectations of myself and let the rhythm move me. I didn’t let go of any confidence - I felt all of it once I was no longer focused on image. Confidence came with the sense of comfort as I began to lean into my body and swayed with the beat. Relaxing into my space, channeling energy to the movements of my muscles, and flowing with my breath allowed me to experience a new sensation. It was freeing. I also got a better sweat out of it all once I let go of expectations. My movement was no longer limited by shame and embarrassment. I was able to reach far and wide with every movement. My facial expressions exaggerated with the beats and I am in a new world. Moving hips, prancing on tippy-toes, spinning like a pinwheel in the wind - next thing you know, I am following along with the steps of those around me. The only difference is the energy behind the steps and it’s my energy. I generated this flow from within and I have added my own spice to every move. I am feeling the beat and myself as I take up space with a genuine smile on my face. Then, I look at the faces of the community around me and I see their unique energy emanating from within. I felt so much joy as I witnessed others embracing themselves amongst one another. A community of unique people celebrating one another while simultaneously supporting healthy lifestyles through movement, music, and dance.
